Lost

Few days back I read some where ” we all have time, its the direction we need” and that is so true.

Two weeks earlier I was very clear, determined and clear about what to do with me and my life. But in last few days, I am getting different options and now i am not sure which road to take and which road to leave. I am in mess again and i dont like it.

I am unable to focus on reading books, on watching movies or doing anything else. While reading my mind skips to take in the meaning of words my eyes are reading. whole pages are turned without understanding what has happened here.

There are so many things in my life that i want to do yet I am always unable to do it, there could be various reasons for that, it could be I am not passionate, It could be I am not pushing myself to do stuff. Or it could be i am making lame excuses for not being able to do any of it.

Money, time, mood, opportunity, wrong decisions all these are my excuses. I am not painting because I am not in mood, or I dont have time. This is how days pass by and life is like a useless shit for me. what I have deduced from my way of living is that i cant live happily without a proper job. And i cant work in an environment where things are not as per my requirements. I have to keep looking. i want to do odd jobs without worrying what people will say.

Sometimes i love to experiment, i love to go out for adventure, and some times I am quite the opposite, I want to sit inside in my comfort zone, do nothing just enjoying the way life is. There is so much contradiction in my moods, in my wants, in my thoughts and finding one way out is not possible for me. I want it all and i want to do it all, But you always cant do all, and to decide which things you want to do the most is another mess, difficult decision.

For heaven’s sake what will become of me? for people like me end up making a mess out of their lives and repenting and becoming bitter and making it harder for others who live with them.

 

image courtesy Aroog